Stomach Pains and Brain Splurge

The woman held onto the side of the taxi with whatever strength she had left and held her head in a resemblance of defeat and constant awareness. As she felt the urge hit her again she had the brief thought of shame mixed with regret for not staying where she was safe and cared for. She was immediately aware of the people surrounding her in the taxi, the speed of the car as it hurtled towards her destination, and the distinct black and blue colors and metallic smell of the asphalt mixed with the background green of grasses and brush. Finally, she succumbed to the onward rush of nausea and hurled over the side of the car, using her hand to shield, however she could, her fellow passengers, from the tragedy that had overtaken her. Again and again, until there was nothing left but convulsions, she gave in, knowing it was completely impossible to hold back any longer. This was, after all, the second time today that it had happened, and it never got easier. Washing her hands she slipped back into her seat defeated and wanting nothing more than a hot bath and a bed. I wish I could say I watched all of this from a safe distance, but that was just not the case.
It was me.
Yes, I made the stupid decision to get on a taxi brousse for what should be a 6 ½ hour drive that turns every time into an 8 or 9 our drive, even though I had already been sick twice that morning with food poisoning pains in my stomach. Why? I have no freaking clue. I asked myself the same question while I was trying to figure out how to make myself sleep through the vomiting and stabbing pains while cramped in a beaten mini bus hurtling towards Maevatanana, along with 10 other people. Thinking back on it now I still think I was a complete idiot, but at least now it is over. It was horrible. And an all time new low for experiences that I ever thought I would have the good graces to have.
No thanks.
But the BBQ the night before was fun… Splendid really, with real BBQ chicken and potato salad, beef and burgers, and hot dogs and sausages ( the last one was the one that did it I think) but it was delicious. And I got to talk to Katy who I had missed more than I think I even realized. So in stepping away from the part for a half hour to talk to her I found myself laughing and smiling more than I had in days. I miss my friends. So beside the technicolor aftermath it was a great way to end a long course of training.
Our IST training ( occurs after the first three months at site for all volunteers) was extremely productive, providing a bunch of new ideas and new designs for projects formulating in my head and exciting my energy again. By the end of the week though I was done and ready to be away. Now that I am home (and slightly missing running water and provided food) I am all too happy to find myself welcomed by friends and being told I was missed greatly, feeling that happy feeling of realizing your presence means something to more than a few people and hearing what they have to say about life since you were gone, which it turns out, is incredibly quiet and slow even though you hope for better, and getting kisses from my dog every morning to tell me its time to drag my ass out of bed and let her out. I mumble in protest which only increases the kisses and snuggles since I have now proved I am actually awake and therefore no longer immune to any affections. ( Vicious cycle I tell you, absolutely vicious)
I came home to find my town relatively unchanged, a few new vendors here and there, new fetes underway, and new foods in market….seaweed!!!!
So seaweed salads for the week. Anyone have any recipes for easy to make salad dressings???? I love my seaweed salads but would love to know some good Asian style vinaigrettes or dressings I cant put on it. And I wish I knew how to make the seaweed salad you buy at sushi restaurants. I used to love that stuff.
So, feeling inspired and happy to be home I turn my attention to possible projects, organizing the gifts I got from the parentals in the mail, started running with the puppy at night after class ( she needs to learn to run next to and not on top of, my feet but she’ll get there and thank you guys for the new shoes.. Love them!!!!) dancing again and dealing with the aftermath of whatever is wrong with my skin the whole while. Constant health issues are starting to weight me down, and while its nothing incredibly drastic I still find myself annoyed with even the slightest bodily malfunction (right now I strained the small muscles near my inner ankle and they are causing me to have constant frustration). So, while we wait for the results and thoughts of the doctor in South Africa and the dermatologist in Washington I patiently prevent myself from scratching off my skin and feeling completely disfigured by the novel written across my skin in braille. Its, yucky. There are worse things though.
Learning how to meditate with an instructor during training was possibly the best situation I have taken advantage of in the last month. The best advice and apparently the key to it for me was in our directions.
“Focus on your heart. All energy flows from there and surrounds you and us. Empty your mind but the thoughts will still come. They always will, you can never stop thinking. But when a though comes, put it to the side and refocus back on the energy coming from your heart again.”
I don’t know if it was the setting, or the tiredness helping prevent a thought process. I don’t know what it was but I went into the whole thing fully expecting either frustration or to immediately slip back into sleep (fun party the night before) but for an hour I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into a wakeful relaxation where thoughts would enter but would be replaced as I visualized back to the warm energy I felt and imagined flowing out of my amazing heart. I became conscious of my breathing and lost all realization of tiredness level and when her voice penetrated my awareness to let us know we where done I felt like I was reentering a place I had left. It was by far the most amazing experience. There was no guiding done the whole time by voice from our teacher. She had told us she was channeling to us but there was no actual verbal guides or markers that helped me. I was thoroughly amazed.
And am still doing it.
Although I have yet to find the quiet time here at the home.
Although, I bet I will get good enough to be able to center in the midst of this chaos called school.
Hmmm
Anyways- life continue as it always does with my brain and heart recording as much information as it can possibly hold in a days time and finding myself slipping into exhaustion midway through the day, succumbing to a nap and again dancing my way after evening into a wonderful sleep.
Now if only I could find a new body everything would be fantastic.
Love- me
PS- After rereading all the thoughts that have spilled out into this letter I must apologize for the seemingly random spatterings of consciousness. I am actually very hungry and waiting for veggies to finish their bleach soaking so that I can east yet another seaweed salad. So I do so humbly apologize and only hope that those who know and love me have already realized that it was probably the hunger that caused me to bounce around the rooms of my mind like a bouncy ball on steroids and were still able to enjoy the results.